How has it possibly taken me THIS long to write again?

I haven't posted to this blog since March of 2011.  It doesn't seem possible at all.  My life seems to be divided into 2 very distinct segments...BDD & ADD.  That would be Before Daddy Died and After Daddy Died.  (although a diagnosis of ADD wouldn't be totally out of the question either)

a little timelining may be important here...

my dad wasn't in good health for many years, but in April of 2011 things took a dramatic turn.  Things in his brain weren't working right anymore.  We made many, many, many trips to doctors and specialists and therapists.  Finally after many tests, they determined that he was not infact just a contrary old man.  Finally in July of 2011 Doctors told us he had Atypical Dementia.  I still really don't know exactly what that means.  Mainly because by the time the tests were all finished and they gave us a name for all the changes that Daddy had undergone, he was all but gone.  He went to the hospital in early August for a case of pneumonia, and after 4 days in the hospital they release him.  We expected life to pretty much settle once he got home.  It didn't.  He got worse.  He sat down in his chair that day in August after coming home from the hospital and never got up again.  We knew that was the beginning of the end.  My parents 42nd wedding anniversary was August 15, 2011.  That was the day that the hospice nurse took Daddy onto her case load.  She saved us.  She made what seemed so difficult much easier to handle.  On August 25, 2011 I went to see my Daddy like I did every day those last few months.  Earlier that day he stopped speaking.  When I left that night I told my Daddy I loved him.  That was huge for me.  Other than that day, I can't remember ever making a conscious decision to tell him that I loved him.  I somehow in my heart, I knew it was the end.  The hospice nurse wanted me to call her, so I called her as soon as I got home that night.  She told me that we needed to make plans.  I asked her for her best guess for how long we had left...she said 3 months.  I pulled myself together, and went to bed that night, and actually slept.  My phone rang at 6 that morning.  It was my mom.

 He was gone.

ADD...

In life BDD I don't remember crying.  Ever.  Life ADD was an ocean of tears...I thought that I would drown in those tears.  I didn't.  When I was awake I cried, and then when I ran out of tears I would sleep.  I had to rest so I could get up and cry again. That pattern continued for several weeks.  The first year was the hardest.  All those first.  All those times I wished I could ask my Daddy what to do.  All those times something would break at my house, or in my heart or on my car...and I just wanted to pick up the phone and have him tell me who to call or what to do or what part to buy.  The silence.  Deafening.  The only part worse than the silence was running into people who hadn't realized he died, and having them ask "how's your dad."  My tongue still hurts from all the times I wanted to reply: "he's dead.  how do you think he's doing?"  My mom would tell people "we lost Thomas."  It sounded so strange to me...like we didn't know where he was.  I knew where he was.  I also knew where he wasn't.

I used to think that once you got married and had kids of your own that you were grown up.  For me that was a big joke.  I was never grown up.  Not until ADD.

Things are easier.  I still want to go into my cave from August until after Christmas.  But this year I made myself emerge from the cave early.  I ventured out in October.

I look back thru the blog posts BDD and I kind of see that God was preparing me.  He was giving me challenges and tasks that would help me become ready for life ADD...

There have been so many precious people in our town, and my church, and just in the world in general that make me reflect and look  back at the line of demarcation that is present in my life.  It makes me want to live.  To really live & love and give life everything I have.  Sometimes I don't think I'm strong enough for that.  Sometimes I think it takes someone much more vibrant than me to live & love.  I don't want to get to the end and have regrets...and since we aren't guaranteed a tomorrow, I guess I better get to it!

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“The ragamuffin who sees his life as a voyage of discovery and runs the risk of failure has a better feel for faithfulness than the timid man who hides behind the law and never finds out who he is at all.” 
― Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel: Good News for the Bedraggled, Beat-Up, and Burnt Out